Plus size Barbie

 

As a kid I played with dolls. I burped them, fed them, and placed them in the mini crib I had in my room. However, having an older sister, I quickly lost interest in playing with dolls. I saw the bright lights of the Barbie beach house and the Barbie jet airplane and knew that my imaginary life was destined for much more greater things. Barbie WAS cool. She had a killer wardrobe, tons of boyfriends, a jet, a beach house, a convertible and she was ALWAYS on the go. After a taste of life in Barbie’s world, those dolls in the crib in my room soon became covered in dust. I like to think of this as a metaphor for my mothering skills.

Last weekend I co-hosted a baby shower. One of the guests brought along her sister and her sisters 6 day old infant. While people ooohhhed and aaahhhhed over this little creature, I went about my business making sure the punch bowl was filled, the cake was on display and my champagne glass was never empty.

Occasionally I glanced over in the direction of this little wrinkled thing swaddled in blankets and when I would look at him, I felt nothing. I did not have a desire to hold this child, I did not feel compelled to offer to feed it - as far as I was concerned this was just another thing I would have to be careful about not bumping into and not accidentally tripping over his carrier that lay resting at the feet of all of the women oohing and ahhhing. ( in fact at one point - I actually started thinking about ways I could incorporate this child into the decor of the baby shower. Perhaps if I propped him up in the punch bowl, it would look like a living fountain... ) The baby's aunt asked me if I wanted to hold the baby. I breezily responded with a " no thanks" but instead of moving on to the next person and asking them if they wanted to hold little Abe Vigoda, she pushed back. " Why not ?" she asked while looking me up and down  - obviously checking me out for Alien like features. " Because  - I really don't like kids"  I responded, starting to back away.

" That's impossible - EVERY ONE LIKES kids "

"um... not me "

" well one day you will change your mind"

( someone please get this person away from me before I hold her head down in the punch bowl )

" No, I don’t think so.. "

" you just haven't met the right guy "

( OK  - Someone hold me back  - I am going to kill this crazy bitch. )

So a couple of things:

I don't like kids. Period. I said it. So put down your pitchforks and call off the witch hunt and let me explain.....

I LOVE the children in my life. I am blessed to have a brood of nephews and a niece who are the light of my life. I am also blessed to be God mother to one very cool kid up in Sonoma. I also have a huge circle of friends who have kids and I feel about those kids the way I feel about the ones I am related to - I love them. Depending on which kid you are speaking to about me - I am either Maria, Mia,  Aunt Mia, or MiMi - monikers I am very proud of and hold dear to my heart. In addition to these kids, I have a group of friends whose children I have not met yet and am dying to meet because I am fascinated by the stories their parents tell.

HOWEVER.......

Just because I enjoy other peoples kids - does not mean I want to have my own. I have never felt the maternal longing that I have seen a lot of my friends go through. I just don't have it in me. I would have a house filled with puppies if I could. Children? No thank you. I just don't like them enough to have one of my own. I like to spend time with kids - then, at the end of the day (or even weekend for that matter) hand them back to their parents and go about my life. I don't think this makes me a bad person. I would be a bad person if I brought a life into this world and did not give it the love and attention it so deserved.

I guess the points I am trying to make are:

1) Don't judge me. Not everyone is cut out for motherhood. I am not ( although God knows I have birthing hips )

2) Don't equate not having / wanting kids as - not having found the right man. I could do this on my own IF I really wanted it. I don't want it.

3) Everyone is quick to applaud the woman " who knows what she wants"  how about applauding the woman who knows what she DOES NOT want ?

And by the way, An update on Barbie...  today we learn that Ken is a liar and a cheat , Barbie packed on the weight, and the dream house turned out to be a cute apartment in the suburbs. However, Barbie has a great shoe collection, a nice car, a cute dog, and a good job - so it's not all that bad. Barbie also has hundreds of thousands frequent flier miles and plans on seeing the world.

A girl has standards...

Dear Microsoft,

I think it would be a great idea if your brain trust of developers over there could develop a way to catch really embarrassing typos in e-mails BEFORE they are sent, thus eliminating such mistakes as the following email I sent to a club manager after completing a site visit in Las Vegas :

Dear Scott -

It was a pleasure meeting you last week. I appreciate your time and assistance during our site visit.

I think the space will work quite well for our event. We have some ideas as to how we want to brand ourselves both inside and outside of the club. I just wish I had spent a little more time looking at the pubic areas ( especially the main entrance where the plasmas are ) At least we have the photos that Nick took during the visit.

Sadly - he was kind of cute, and I would have preferred to discuss pubic areas a little later on in this relationship.

Call me old fashioned....

You asked for it...

After much urging from several of my Facebook friends, and in keeping with my promise to my self that I would start blogging, I would like to present to you Snarky Poodle.

What can you, the reader, expect from Snarky Poodle? Pretty much the long form version of what you see from me on Facebook. So, if you like what you have read from me in the past, then keep reading, and check back often for new posts. If you don't like what you have read from me, then this is where you should log out and don't let the door hit you on the ass.

So for anyone who :

• has a mother who both annoys and amuses them


• has been dying to know if Sketchers Shape Ups really work


• wants book suggestions


• wants to read my rants about shitty customer service ( Yes Delta Airlines, I am talking to you )


• has a morbid sense of humor


• wants to escape political correctness for awhile


• is interested in my views on everything from marriage to death


• wants to see life from my eyes.

then this blog is for you.

A few disclaimers before we begin.

1) I write like I speak and think... all over the place. If you are looking for grammatically correct sentances, then go read Hemmingway. I think it - I write it- you read it.

2) If you happen to be a co worker of mine - congratulations. That means I trust you enough to let you inside my head. Please be respectful of the fact that these are thoughts that I might not want shared with the rest of our company.

3) For the rest of you out there - if you like this blog, then tell a friend. Who knows, maybe I will become the next Jen Lancaster and if that is the case, then thanks in advance.

4) Be patient with me. I am still finding my voice.